I guess it starts out with friends going away again like the last post right? Yep, still depressed over that but it's stupid right? I mean c'mon !! They're going to visit, and we'll keep in touch...But I guess I have that stupid little voice that doubts that we'll all still be friends even in 10 years...That's what I hate about myself...The moment something good happens, my mind starts to develop a bad image into my head...and it's like it's permanently engraved in my head...
*sighs* Well...I guess I'll start with what's up with me again...Ok, so Kikki, Val, and I find out that my nii-chan likes me as more than a sister right? I'm thrilled because I like him too but there's the other part where I still like Pete (*is thinking* OMG !! They frickin better not be reading this =_=). I don't know who to choose but the thing is...I feel more comfortable talking to nii-chan than I do with Pete. But I'm not too scared to talk to Pete...I just don't have much to say...I guess -_- *sighs* Which I feel bad for...
Ok, days pass by and we're on the phone. Steven-nii says that he'll answer any questions we ask him since we need some random topic to talk about since DADDY DJ frickin fell asleep on us again XP Kikki asked me if it's ok if she can ask this one question. I told her I don't care if she asks so she goes ahead and asks him. The question was "would you go out with Hana?" He reads it aloud in the phone and answers "sure." He asks me on the phone but I don't answer because it was too sudden and I was still shocked, so I pretended I wasn't listening -_- Which I kinda felt bad for doing...*sighs*
After thinking about it for a while, I started thinking about saying "yesh" because I heard him say to Kikki that he'll probably ask me out at the movies...But then...as my mind always does...I started thinking about the bad stuff...I wondered about it...I thought I'd be holding him back since he'll be in college next year and I'll still be in high school...I mean he might find someone better that he'll like/love in college...And I guess I kept thinking about how much he says I'm cute and compared it to what I learned in English that guys tend to love with their eyes and not their hearts...I thought that the only reason why he liked me was because I was cute.....I automatically shrugged it off because I was being stupid...
The next day at school...I told Vivian that I overheard on the phone that Nii-chan was going to ask me out and that I'd say "yesh." The thing is that she said that he'll get hurt if I say "yesh" if I'm just doing it out of pity...So that made me question why I was going to say "yesh" and all my other motives...I started asking myself..."Do I really like him or do I just like him because he likes me back?" <--- omg -_- but I know I like him because I like him....*sighs* Unless I'm lying to myself or I can't think straight... ---> "Am I just thinking of saying yes out of pity?"
I started to think it throughout the whole school day...It just got me down but stupid me, other people has much worse and/or same problems as me that I have the right to think "Oh my !! I have a problem !! OMG !! Woe is me !!" Psh...-_-
I guess I'm taking her comment way to serious huh? Iono, I sometimes don't do well with criticism since my criticism of myself is 24/7...
But tell me...Is it selfish when you start to think of your own problems? Is it selfish that you want to go after something/someone you really want in your life? Is it selfish to cry out in pain because of your problems when someone in the world has it worse than you?....I really do wanna know...Is it? My motto in life is that EVERYONE's happiness comesWAY before mine...So now I wanna know...What is the boundary of making yourself happy...? See...omg !! I'm being too problematic...*sighs* But then again no one is reading this but myself right?
I guess since I really have no one to talk to about my problems, it's better to draw it out or talk to nothingness in this blog...I guess I'm too used to holding things inside and pushing people out from knowing what's up with me when I know deep inside I want people to know what's my problem...
I heard that if you keep too much inside, it can really affect your health and can kill you with all the pressure inside...I don't wanna die...But then again it's not like I have anyone to confide in with all these...Probably it's because I don't want people to judge me by my problems...Everytime I do something wrong or there's a problem, I'm sure to say every single little detail because I don't want them to judge me as a bad person...I really hate being judge because as I read from my daily writings and Mr. Burrows's comment, I thrive on people's emotions about me...If people don't like me, disappointed in me, or angry at me...I feel like crap and depressed...If people like me, proud of me, and are happy, I feel soo hyper and happy...
Plus I know people have too much problems on their hands, I don't want to add mine to theirs...